Eternally divided

Wuthering Heights, by Emily Bronte. By far one of my all time favorites. I have always been fascinated by the relationship between Catherine and Healthcliff. I never likened myself to Catherine however. I always identifed with Heathcliff. He is the mysterious dark-haired "gypsy" who throughout the first part of the novel is mistreated, abused but runs away only to return and to reek havoc on the the lives on everyone, seeking revenge on those who did him wrong. The rest of the novel he spends writhing in misery in the loss of his love, he exclaims regarding Catherine when she dies, "I cannot live without my life, I cannot live without my soul" (pg 89). The reason the I identify so strongly with Heathcliff is that I think that his analysis is largely misunderstood. I believe that he is a strong, stubborn, withstood maltreatment and abuse yet reacted in a justified manner. What if I he had a mental illness? It wasn't spoken about in the Victorian era. And furthermore, he died happy, he died with his love, with Catherine.

So to draw a more personal comparison of Healthcliff to my own life. There have been times in my life where I have been mistreated, abused, misunderstood. Have I retailiated? Maybe not to the extent that Heathcliff did. But I sure have lashed out. I think that is a normal psychological response. Anger.. Resentment.Guilt...All are stages on the emotional responses to trauma when learning to cope. (A NAMI Model, See Family to Family Charts, or Family to Family Classes for more information)

Heathcliff as a mysterious and misunderstood "Gypsy". Not that I ever thought of myself as a Gypsy...but certainly misunderstood and mysterious. There are times when even my family or Jason don't understand the little things that I do. Maybe Bailey my dog is the only one that understands. So I think that mysterious and mental illness could have alot of in common.

Heathcliff is strong. Strong-willed definitely. I would like to add that every person I know that has a mental illness are some of the strongest people I have ever met. If you do not know what I mean then you should probably stop reading now. I would like to think that I have become a stronger person since being diagnosed with a mental illness, in 2006. Heathcliff could have the characteristics of having one himself. I am no clinician so I cannot say for sure. But he is strong willed and so are "we"--those diagnosed.

Finally Heathcliff dies happy. I would like to suggest that he has happier moments throughout the book when he is with Catherine, whether in person, or in spirit. But in the end he finds her, and it is said they are spotted along the moors as ghosts, walking along the Moors hand-in-hand. So yes happier times. I have my happy times to, we all do. Like most character analysis of Wuthering Heights suggests, Heathcliff is miserable for the entirety of the book longing for Catherine. However, I suggest that he had moments of happiness, maybe ups and downs. Like I do. I have my ups and downs. I have my moments of stability (which are usually longer ) then the moments of ups and downs. Nevertheless Healthcliff takes on now a more human form now then ever before.

Best of Times, Worst of Times

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.--Tale of Two Cities. (--Charles Dickens, 1859)

Amazing how powerful this sentence is. I often think of Dicken's words, and I wonder did he chose the wrong profession? Maybe he would have made a better psychiatrist.

I guess I should start this being my first post that I wanted to share my thoughts and experiences with my own recovery from mental illness.

I have been struggling with the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder since 2006, my senior year of college. I was 22 years old at the time and had no idea what the signs and symptoms were. It was a long road, and has taken four years to get to where I am now. Having successful employment, a healthy relationship with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, a very close relationship with my family, and most importantly learning to accept myself, who I am and love the person I have become.

Now, my passion is helping others through an organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) through facilitating a weekly support group, instructing educational peer classes, and sharing my story through our outreach programs. I have worked for NAMI the past three years and now work for NAMI San Diego as the Peer Recovery Programs Coordinator. My job entails coordinating all of the consumer programming, scheduling and preparing everything.

So for me these are the Best of times...but there are also times that are simultaneously the worst. I happened to be having an extremely stressful past week and a half. So now I am forced to take a day off tomorrow for my own sanity, mental health. If I don't I am afraid I might end up back having more and more symptoms and back in the hospital like I was a couple years ago at my worst.

It seems that it more often than not happens this way for me with my moods. There will be something good, but then comes along the bad. It is hard to find balance when you have Bipolar Disorder. Something that you constantly struggle against.